from Mictlan to Tlalocan

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“And isn’t the whole world yours? For how often you set it on fire with your love and saw it blaze and burn up and secretly replaced it with another world while everyone slept. You felt in such complete harmony with God, when every morning you asked him for a new earth, so that all the ones he had made could have their turn. You thought it would be shabby to save them and repair them; you used them up and held out your hands, again and again, for more world. For your love was equal to everything.” 
*~Rainier Maria Rilke~*

“And isn’t the whole world yours? For how often you set it on fire with your love and saw it blaze and burn up and secretly replaced it with another world while everyone slept. You felt in such complete harmony with God, when every morning you asked him for a new earth, so that all the ones he had made could have their turn. You thought it would be shabby to save them and repair them; you used them up and held out your hands, again and again, for more world. For your love was equal to everything.” 

*~Rainier Maria Rilke~*

Apr 3
the door of Everything

the door of Everything

Apr 1
Apr 1
en casa, en fin … con los gatitos, con ofrendas para Jean-Pierre en cada esquina, con la oscuridad, con la suciedad, con la desorganización. Las cartas, a la espera de ser leído. Trabajar en espera de ser hecho. El sueño, esperando a que yo regrese a verdadero, mejores mundos y frío … 2 grados centígrados …. pero en mis pensamientos: Tu: en mi corazón: Primavera. Porque tú existes.

en casa, en fin … con los gatitos, con ofrendas para Jean-Pierre en cada esquina, con la oscuridad, con la suciedad, con la desorganización. Las cartas, a la espera de ser leído. Trabajar en espera de ser hecho. El sueño, esperando a que yo regrese a verdadero, mejores mundos y frío … 2 grados centígrados …. pero en mis pensamientos: Tu: en mi corazón: Primavera. Porque tú existes.

How can it be that I’m getting ready to embark to our magic place without you?
…and yet it’s so much about you. 
Read that security is heightened for all pyramid sites in Mex during spring solstice (or is it equinox?) so am hoping I don’t have to scatter ashes on Monte Alban surreptitiously; no, I want to make circles like a Sufi while they slip through my fingers to all Infinite directions and I properly play my role as Prayer-Giver, as it should be done.
Scared, lost, yet hopeful, grateful.
And entirely amazed that my hero R. Brez (whom I actually met for a brief moment, once upon a time) would follow this sad and neglected space, tho I surmise he must be reciprocal to all of his followers, cause he’s just that kinda guy. But it coincided in the same week that I did one of a zillion imagined but not realized posts in my head for FB, wherein I thought to write out loud: “I wouldn’t want to be in a world without Rob Brezny” (b/c he’s One of a gladly expanding group of fellow travelers that continually inspire, cajole, feed and cheerlead the sometimes huddled masses through and beyond our myriad veils of forgetfulness. But I digress.
I hope to walk the Alcala in a state of Grace, knowing that you are there, my darling, my darling….and the saints and angels and patrons of that land, and my invisible-to-some (including myself, except in reveries) animal companions…all by my side. The jaguar padding quietly, the golden partridge with special head jewelry, and Durga with Her tiger, the monkey on my shoulder that is really my dear little Poppy, our Grip and Adelita, all of us leaving lotuses in the wake of our footsteps. And if anyone would happen to think me alone, you would all become visible to them and send them away lest they would lead me astray. Eleanor Roosevelt said we must do the thing we think we can not do. I will, with a lot of helpers. Ojala, ojala.

How can it be that I’m getting ready to embark to our magic place without you?
…and yet it’s so much about you.
Read that security is heightened for all pyramid sites in Mex during spring solstice (or is it equinox?) so am hoping I don’t have to scatter ashes on Monte Alban surreptitiously; no, I want to make circles like a Sufi while they slip through my fingers to all Infinite directions and I properly play my role as Prayer-Giver, as it should be done.
Scared, lost, yet hopeful, grateful.
And entirely amazed that my hero R. Brez (whom I actually met for a brief moment, once upon a time) would follow this sad and neglected space, tho I surmise he must be reciprocal to all of his followers, cause he’s just that kinda guy. But it coincided in the same week that I did one of a zillion imagined but not realized posts in my head for FB, wherein I thought to write out loud: “I wouldn’t want to be in a world without Rob Brezny” (b/c he’s One of a gladly expanding group of fellow travelers that continually inspire, cajole, feed and cheerlead the sometimes huddled masses through and beyond our myriad veils of forgetfulness. But I digress.
I hope to walk the Alcala in a state of Grace, knowing that you are there, my darling, my darling….and the saints and angels and patrons of that land, and my invisible-to-some (including myself, except in reveries) animal companions…all by my side. The jaguar padding quietly, the golden partridge with special head jewelry, and Durga with Her tiger, the monkey on my shoulder that is really my dear little Poppy, our Grip and Adelita, all of us leaving lotuses in the wake of our footsteps. And if anyone would happen to think me alone, you would all become visible to them and send them away lest they would lead me astray. Eleanor Roosevelt said we must do the thing we think we can not do. I will, with a lot of helpers. Ojala, ojala.

the cistern

back at the bottom of the dark and narrow cistern, wet,slippery walls with no footholds..why does this always follow the brief reprieves and seeming miracles? Instead of making use of a brief day of free time to tend to one of a thousand details and tasks awaiting my attention (“keep busy! move forward!”) I am wandering from room to room, and tears seem to have no end. 

There are times

When I look above and beyond
There are times
When I feel you smile upon me baby
I’ll never forget ma baby

What’ll I give just to hold you close
As on earth
In heaven we will be together baby
Together again ma baby

Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin’ back at me

Dancin’ in moonlight
I know you are free
'Cuz I can see your star
Shinin’ down on me

Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin’ back at me

Dancin’ in moonlight
I know you are free
'Cuz I can see your star
Shinin’ down on me



Read more: Janet Jackson - Together Again Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Jan 9
six months today, my darlings, almost seven for you, my velvet Adelita. I don’t even know sometimes how I got from there to here; only by Grace Divine and the love of you still with me and the love and kindness of so many others. A month ago my sister told me to stop counting death anniversaries but I don’t know how not to; how do I forget the date of the day that my whole world changed irrevocably? I am trying to be like that vein of gold in a repaired piece of pottery ~ Kintsugi, they call it. Trying to make my brokenness beautiful in little and big ways, and if I seem to fail from time to time, to accept that as part of the beauty as well; I have loved and I have lost, seemingly, but since Love is all there really is, and all that we are, it can never really be lost. 

six months today, my darlings, almost seven for you, my velvet Adelita. I don’t even know sometimes how I got from there to here; only by Grace Divine and the love of you still with me and the love and kindness of so many others. A month ago my sister told me to stop counting death anniversaries but I don’t know how not to; how do I forget the date of the day that my whole world changed irrevocably? I am trying to be like that vein of gold in a repaired piece of pottery ~ Kintsugi, they call it. Trying to make my brokenness beautiful in little and big ways, and if I seem to fail from time to time, to accept that as part of the beauty as well; I have loved and I have lost, seemingly, but since Love is all there really is, and all that we are, it can never really be lost. 

Our legal anniversary, 11 years. Was watching the Christmas Tree which of course you worked on. It was beautiful.  Then went to read more John O’Donohue and found this: “the terrible moment of loneliness in grief comes when you realize that you will never see the deceased again. The absence of their voice, face, and presence become something that, as Sylvia Plath says, begins to grow beside you like a tree.”

I cleaned the refrigerator yesterday and cried as I threw away the black beans, the last thing that you had cooked. I couldn’t put it off any longer. Every day has a little or a large instance of goodbye in it, Every day I have to converse with myself and remind myself that you are not gone from me, just expressing in a new way of Being. and so if I want you to be with me as I attempt to cook something that you often did, you will tell me how to do it. If I go somewhere that you and I went together and want you to walk with me, you will. I do believe this. Yet it doesn’t stop the rivers of tears. For now, it must be. Yet you will be my Tule Tree.

 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%81rbol_del_Tule

It’s Complicated

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Someone earlier today that liked some things on my store facebook page had her relationship status as “widowed”. How bizarre, I thought to myself, (it hasn’t been very long and so I hadn’t even thought about it as something I may now have to describe myself as; even though it is a word that I included, albeit with an “ish”, in the subtext of the this blog title!) I still feel I am very much in communication with Jean-Pierre, still very much married, and in conversation with him I asked, “won’t you always be my husband? won’t we always be married? can’t I just change my relationship status to ‘it’s complicated’?” Funny, I didn’t hear his answer yet, though I clearly heard him calling me names when I forgot that I had left a screwdriver on top of a very tall ladder at the store today (working on his ofrenda, of course) and tried moving it. I came one inch from almost losing an eye and it was a nasty spot of bother, indeed.